Go Ahead...

Is it bad to itch for a fight? This afternoon at rehearsal, the playwright told a fight story from his past. It got me thinking about my own past and how it's pretty tame. Of course, my brother and I loved to wack each other in the head - my real thrill was watching him cry afterwards because this would make me feel compassion for him. But outside of that, I've never gotten into it.

So after a series of professional and personal disappointments, I find myself itching for some jagoff to push me just a bit. These days, even a whiff of attitude from a guy my size or less could set me off. But I haven't found that special man yet. I'll even take one larger than me. Even if I get totally beat up, I wouldn't care. It'd be more about the physical reality of my body being pained into awareness. I almost want to come out of it with a bruise or two, some soreness in the fist and a bloodied lip. I could look in the mirror and for the first time the reflection might resemble the putz inside. Maybe that symmetry of emotional and physical damage would open a portal into my heart, so I could actually start to feel things. This must be why boxers box.

Come tomorrow, though, I may just continue coasting away from confrontaion.