Go Ahead...

Is it bad to itch for a fight? This afternoon at rehearsal, the playwright told a fight story from his past. It got me thinking about my own past and how it's pretty tame. Of course, my brother and I loved to wack each other in the head - my real thrill was watching him cry afterwards because this would make me feel compassion for him. But outside of that, I've never gotten into it.

So after a series of professional and personal disappointments, I find myself itching for some jagoff to push me just a bit. These days, even a whiff of attitude from a guy my size or less could set me off. But I haven't found that special man yet. I'll even take one larger than me. Even if I get totally beat up, I wouldn't care. It'd be more about the physical reality of my body being pained into awareness. I almost want to come out of it with a bruise or two, some soreness in the fist and a bloodied lip. I could look in the mirror and for the first time the reflection might resemble the putz inside. Maybe that symmetry of emotional and physical damage would open a portal into my heart, so I could actually start to feel things. This must be why boxers box.

Come tomorrow, though, I may just continue coasting away from confrontaion.

Little Boxes

I've begun rehearsals on a new short play entitled "Theme and Variations" by playwright Steven Gridley. This is not a paying job. After agonizing chats with my pride, I decided to just accept the work. This was due, in large part, to the quality of the piece. In the last few months, I've auditioned for some coveted jobs at some cool theatres, both in New York and regionally. I have not booked any of them. It may be because I suck, but it's more likely that my apathy toward each of these plays shines through in the audition room. I'm not proud of that at all. I want to be the actor that can elevate mediocre material, but most of me just comments on the play while I act it out. It's like I'm winking at the creative team.

Anyway, that's not the case here because this play is quite good. The time I've spent away from paid acting work has been a test of my mettle. And thoughtful plays about grief make me still want to keep at this horrific business.