Philip Tideman

I try to keep things really clean. It helps my head from getting too cluttered. To stand and admire scrubbed countertops, an empty sink, and a fresh bag in the garbage bin allows me to move on with my day. Next, I brush my teeth. Hard. But I'm not the flosser you'd expect me to be, since I really dislike the waxy residue it leaves on my tooth enamel. I'm much more of a swish & gargle spitter.

At a certain point in the future I'd like to invite friends over, give them some tea and cookies, and have them watch me clean. I’d start by dusting the shelf tops, books, and electronics and continue with the thick-slatted window blinds. They wouldn'’t be able to comment until I have completed one full room - aquatic or otherwise. I'd begin by asking, “What can I improve upon? Was my rag stroke too brusque? Did I overlook any new crumbs that might have resulted from your snacking on my butter cookies? If so, I am sorry and I hope I can one day give you a good scrubbing while you shower. That will really show off my undying will to eliminate grime.”

After that, they could offer notes on my technique and execution. We'd finsh up the day with a domino of back rubs. Tallest person first! Speaking of rubs, I could really have a rib right about now. I'll bet the best barbecue in the world is made from women. Not female chefs, but actually made from women. In that Twilight Zone "To Serve Man" way. I'm sure that Adam'’s rib was really delicious. Like barbecue seasoned with god.

Most fools need to pay attention when I’m on my guitar. I’ve gone out most weekends to play at the Woodlawn Cemetary. It's usually quiet there and my audience just keeps growing. Which makes me wonder when there'll be more gravestones than living people. That'd be quite a lopsided battle. Granddaddy Dippy didn'’t want any kind of headstone. He travelled a lot on business, which I guess is why he didn't believe in permanence. Before he died, his instructions to me were to dig a narrow well into the earth, plant a tree seed and then toss his corpse on top of it, no coffin. Once the tree grew strong and forged upward, he thought it'’d be cool to pop back out of the earth one bone at a time. He was married five times.