Tony the Star

Now, all NYC waiting rooms are incubators for quirky behavior. As you sit at your scheduled appointment with your doctor or welfare agent, what can you do but stare at the fascinating, neurotic messes seated across from you? But sometimes, a real shining jackass rises above the fray, setting a new standard in annoyance.

So I'm at an audition for Law & Order (you've heard of it, yes?), sitting in a typically cramped holding pen. I only had to read a single line for this audition. So while waiting for my moment to shine, I opened up a very pretentious book called "The Personality of Animals." This is, I think, a pretty obvious sign to the other actors that I'm a far more high-minded soul and that they should respect this fact by not talking to me. In walks Tony Di Salami (not his name), saying something like, "Aww jeez, here we go! Linin' em' up again, eh?!" to nobody in particular but particularly loud. I hate him already. He sits down across from me. He's a tall fucker, dressed in leather cowboy boots, tight blue jeans, a Harley Davidson t-shirt and a beige leather jacket. Nice.

"Here I am! Everybody watch their knee caps!" He extends his body in a seated spread eagle - arms around the empty seats next to him and legs open in a kind of ballerina split. He seems the model of relaxation. "How we all doin' today, eh?" The other actors nod silently. I glare at him.

"I know you," he says to a Jersey-ish blonde next to me. "Tell me I'm right! You know I'm right!" She concedes that, yes, they may have met years ago at some non-equity casting call for Grease! "Aw yeah, knew that. Knew that right away." Tony is still speaking very loudly. But he's cunning, since he spotted the perfect candidate for his routine: a polite young lady with questionable self-esteem.

"Lemme see those sides?" She hands him her script. "Aw yeah, I think we gotta scene together at the end o'the episode. Sweet Action!" She giggles. "Ya see, my character's deal is he's mixed up in a crowd that's getting outta control, you know?" She nods and smiles when he nods and smiles. "Nah, but you'll do great in there, I can tell these things." She actually blushes and thanks him. Feeling fluffed by her gratification, he gets up to leave. "Aw steer clear everybody. Mister Lanky Legs comin' through!" He goes to chat up the office staff. Though he's still loud enough to be heard, his absence calms me. I hold up my pretentious book with an ever deeper sense of pride.

But then Tony's back. And, of course, he's on his cellphone. "Nah, that price was always gonna dip. I told you." His broker? "Nah, nah, nah, I gotta buddy at JP and he tells me this is the way it's gotta go." So he's into money, huh. He claps his phone shut and moves back to his seat. He eyes the blonde again and says, " Listen, we know a lot of the same people. I should give you my number." I guess this is Tony's gentlemanly way of saying that when he date rapes her, it'll be because she made the first move. That's class.