Love Me?

Today, I was called in for a "Home Goods" audition. I'm assuming it's a new home furnishings mega-store, loooking to capitalize off the ficticious success of Bill Paxton's "Home Plus" chain in HBO's Big Love. This itself was a television rival to the ubiquitous Home Depot we all know and suffer. The levels of meta-nonsense are making my brain hurt, so I'll have to move on.
So. I arrived a bit early for the call, so I decided to take my lunch break when they took theirs. We're all artists, after all. I went to Shine Deli - this refers to the faces of the men replacing the buffet trays - and bought a pretty delicious egg salad sandwich. What was not yummy, however, was the way I ate it. After half of the eggy mayo goodness fell out of the sandwich proper and onto the wax paper, I was left with lettuce, tomato and bread. I said, "Fuck that!", and went on to just eat the eggy mayo goodness with my fingers. Since I had invented that I was in a rush, I ate the salad right quick, yo, and almost choked. A suitable punishment for eating like a three-year old.

Anyway, I got back to the audition studio, signed in and waited my turn. We went into the room in groups of four. We were the first group after lunch and you KNOW how the kids behave right after lunch! Since the ad was for a home furnishing store, the casting director naturally asked each of us what we had for dinner last night. Get some personality out of us. Right. The first guy, who looked like that obnoxious new 7-UP spokesman said that he ate, "Sushi rice, cucumber, carrot, ginger, and seaweed paper." Jesus. Was he asking us to puzzle together his meal? Because it sounded to me like he ate the key ingredients to a FUCKING SUSHI ROLL! The next auditionee, a lovely reed of a blonde, said she ate Vietnamese food. Awesome. The next guy said he ate McDonald's. Delicious. Then came me, Mr. Angry Face. I told them, "Well, I got caught in that downpour last night and ducked into a bar. It was happy hour, so I got two beers at once and some horrible chili with cheese & onions, which I'm still processing as we speak." The blonde giggled with pity. I went on, "But it's all good, since I stayed most of the night and got drunk by myself." The room laughed uncomfortably, handed in their cards and left.

Vacation in the Abyss

It's been some time since I've last written. Well, that's because I haven't been out pounding the pavement and spreading my slime lately. I got close to the Nike thing, but the cigar must have gone to one of the thousand actors out there who looks like Beck and who likes to take my parts. You've seen them: little whispers of men, with moppy hair and farm-boy faces, who populate the Lower East Side and Taco Bell Commercials. Now, I'm of two minds when it comes to this new urban twenty-something prototype. First, I do kind of wish I was one of them. I'll admit it. But the thing is, my other personality wants to eliminate this race of bird boys. I'm comfortable with this dichotomy, though. Don't we all hate the things we wish to be? Yeah, there's that 70's French philosopher, Jacques Maria-Langley, who postulated that in order to find balance and flow in our lives, we must slay the beast of our dreams. He was married seven times, though, I think... which could have contributed to his stance. Maybe. (PICTURED: An image of my cold heart)